once I saw her, I knew she was me.

I couldn’t speak for a minute

the shame would overtake me like a wind breaking against the hull of a ship

constricting my voice and holding up any clarity I had

And I still feel the resistance

battles between the old and the new

mindsets

expectations

rejections

all approached with double-mindedness

certain things unaddressed

in hopes, they’ll disappear again

but instead, they stay

and call to me as if waiting for a welcoming cup of tea

so I abide and I show up and I regret it

how can I be old and new at the same time?

the conversation is a revolving door I can’t seem to get out of

nothing makes sense

but I can’t keep shifting in this in-between

I have to make a decision.

I had to make a decision.

And I chose her.

With her laugh so free, her head drawn all the way back as if birds flew free from her chest

her smile so bright, it cut lines of light into my deafening sadness

her hands so wild, she could speak without saying a word

she moved so different —- assured, confident

different from the legacies she was left

so I chose her.

Once I saw her, I just knew

that she was me.